skywards..i am the focal point

write again

2011-03-20T12:29:00.000-07:00

some things have changed.i want to write again.Not here,not anymore,this is much too public.Its like moving from a comfortably dim lit room to open sunshine,it strains my thought like it one's eyes.I think il go back to pen and paper.Maybe sometime later,when its dusk,i will come back again.

Rest a while ,your time is not yet..

a minute of forgotten

2010-10-04T10:09:00.000-07:00

one minute of forgotten..
in that head that claims you constant..
one minute of laughter..beautiful..but other than you
a minute of serious contemplation of something different..ethereal..world changing..but outside of you
a minute of admiration, not ardent devotion,just a speck of the splendid,
you never were,never wanted to be,but when there is the other..you wanted to be.
one word..just one..a couple of hundred fitting in the sixtieth of the last hour
a word that was you but never again..its a word as its someone else too..

one minute of forgotten and a lifetime remembered

rage..

2010-10-01T10:48:00.000-07:00

..breath in short gasps,an entire body in an uncontrollable tremor,
body taut,wound up like a single block of wood..the feeling of it without physically being
wanting to reach out and tear this fabric,
this loose flittering rag,a flimsy frayed end of people and thoughts around..
not worth a dime beyond the four letters..
leave it alone,unconnected,looking outwards..the mind

and yet i know, as my fingers reach out..
they wont,i wont,rage never is..it just appears
if it does reach out..with a slow feeling of warmth
spreading from a hearth fire..
this warmth will lead to a torturous flame..

not one that burns,but without which one freezes
this fire that begins and ends with you..
for the 'aham' is so much that i dont see beyond.
and then it will just be the fire..and no grey..

so il see the rags..i like my grey..
it offers a solace of plain old nothingness
let it be.. what is, never appears
and what appears never is..

ash to ash

2010-09-27T08:51:00.000-07:00

Witness to a cremation today, and to the same cycle of routine life after,its hard to understand how the world can be in a steady balance despite there being a void.Being a reluctant student of science rarely do i venture into the defined chemistry of things.But the vastness of the subject has left me my limited and flawed understanding of relativity and heisenberg's uncertainty to go to when in doubt.For it then leaves me in a position to proceed the way i want to,without being bound my ionic bonds or the periodic table(although its extremities do allow some limited acceptance to newly discovered elements).i dont think im going to discover anything new though.

So coming back..so when the physical being is incarcerated the ash and the gases account for law of conservation of mass,the engulfing fire then leaving no way to measure,but assume conservation of energy..what what about ideas,thoughts memories,emotions ,all that makes that man,that man..his words that have stemmed form ideas that have proved unique and original to the world,his love for his people,his perceptions which will be vastly different form that of his predecessors and successors..that him,i wish i could see where it went..

Its ironic all that you see of one person in the end is the same that you see of any other person,i think a gift god could have given man was to have his originality displayed in a manner that would be befitting to his life..a dazzling display of the .life.

Or maybe we just dont look close enough..maybe the end was meant to be a celebration of the life..maybe the end is the only time the life totalling itself comes forward..to showcase to everyone..

An ode to a man i did not meet..you have lived..i acknowledge.

shade of pink

2010-09-24T10:17:00.000-07:00

..overlooking the clock tower of the MG college,straining oneself one can even catch sight of the green tint of glazed windows neat cut into wall..the other side of the wall had obscenity scrawled on it, seems our kind found considerable pleasure in engaging ourselves creatively on our way up or down the steps leading upto our classroom..but thats too far ahead into college from merry house..our imagination would never go into the inside of those walls,but there was something about that scene,the top of the college just about visible among the scrabble of other buildings..most nights..couple of drinks down,when things started to blur,this place would come into focus..some stupid thing we had done that day..laughter..everybody had a different kind..tony open mouthed,whole hearted,jithu..rhyming with kikiki..regin...like graded high pitched not irritating,but not substantial.warm..ajit..like turbid water gurgling..arjun..huuhuu..totally unlike him..jyoitsh..smirk..melvin khhee khee..crazy..sabari.cant describe...kiran..decent malayalam mivie uncle style

So this shade of dirty pink,i was amazed someone could paint the house this colour,actually i wasnt i dint notice..steps leading up,mud would stick underfoot everytime you walked up or down,i hated it..all clean with bath and all,fresh shirt(read perfumed tony/regns) pant(same) wet foot..the bloody mud would stick..

earlier..sleep wouldnt come..id sleep towards the 5-6th drink and wake up when everyone was done..could sleep damn the alcohol,go down to get water..crazy purifier,water was cleaner when it went in,ahh what the hell ,dont have a liver by now anyway so..drink..
go back up,fkr regins taken the whole pillow,curled up,kick him in the butt..ask him to share pillow,complaints..tut tut..grosss pillow,everybody had contributed thier share of the drool argh..put head on it..

earlier..walking up..massive bodies of arjun and ajit curled ..melvin on the ground..open the window..breathe in the air..happiness..with family

awake..earlier than everybody else..sore back..fuck im never sleeping here again..

next day: someone: 'nee veeti ponundo?'
'illa ivde kedkam'

so the nights were beautiful,everyone of them..always happy..always something to look forward to..from the merry house rooftop the east end would show rest of nalanchira..silent..hardly living..almost deathly..north..had a water tank..open and dip head in sometimes..fun..south lane road..
west was brilliant..vast expanse..hills far away in the background..never saw a sunrise..and never noticed sunsets..pity wish i had now..

let go..i have..but theres something that drags you back..that house.

up above the busy underground.

2010-09-12T07:21:00.000-07:00

The transformation,its gradual,almost theatrical,as the escalator ascends,the sterile air and clean high speed metal gives way to a murmur,a bustle then finally delhi..slush,humid and a sea of people. Chawri Bazaar metro station is an engineering feat,but these were only peripheral thoughts as i trudged back slowly through the dim lit street back to clinicality of modern life..
Earlier that evening standing in connaught place,it struck me that this place was not where i wanted to be then.I wanted to feel part of that thread which seamlessly weaves into an identity,which is buried so far below rubbles of history,that the plethora of consumer fanfare that bombard you in everyday life could not with its flashy signboards,neon lights and plastic smiles reach.
last day of the holy month of Ramdan and eve to eid,the place that came to mind was Jama Masjid..The excuse was food,but seldom does the excuse substantiate itself so wonderfully well in the quest for an adventure . Warily stepping on what was left of the road ,or trying to,discovering that a black road appears very similar to black sludge on a black night..with clear hindsight only when the damp feeling of having stepped on slush..crawls upwards..
long walk,through a street which is like any other in old delhi,cluttered with people,shops,cows,rikshaws,beggars,inns,peddlers all rambling,the seemingly aimless nature of their movements always coming in the way of a newly found purposeful stride..

top of the world

2010-07-10T22:02:00.000-07:00

This is most definitely the top of the world,exept i think the expression has been frequently used to define a feeling that has a rather omniscent connotation.This top of the world is different.
You can see the entire world in all its form and structure,the line between ugliness and beauty has never been so clear to you before,there is no sense of absolute,its almost as if an absolute does not exist.
The objectivity and clarity that you can bring in your own limited microscopic view is unprecedented in the last years of your life.The distant blurred vision ,which was previously a life form,constantly changing and reforming,is now dormant,opaque,white opaque,which signifies its defined existance.The present and the vision have now traded places,the present is dynamic,propelled by the certainty of the future and fading memory of the past.
This is when you start to realize that your future has much more to do with your present than your past.
Sometimes its the walls that people build around themselves which makes it difficult for them to eventually climb out of,but then why would you build a wall if an inherent feeling of self were non existant?
Beauty still exists,in good measure,this you know by how much of the world you do not understand anymore.What you thought formed the very basis of your nature now eludes notice.
Somebody(irrelevant in the context of what was said) told me life is like an integral sign(similar to $)with infinity(8 inverted) and negative infinity(-8 inverted) at both ends.The only defined period as being the one in between or life as we know it.It seems to me that for some people the defined period begins quite late into what they think was their existance.For some it ends earlier than the end of thier life.
But the problem lies when the infinitude of possibilities,dreams and blurred conception of existance is easier to understand than to fit into an awkard glove of straitjacket..life.

ps-@ chinese who are spamming my blog with comments-why dont you stick to hacking govt websites,or is it a policy to do it to all people who dont have any idea of what ,why and how they are doing things?in which case i see some commonality in me and the govt.

Change

2010-05-02T09:03:00.000-07:00

Maybe its all the writing at work.I cant push myself into ramble or rhyme.Reason and structural thinking are the cornerstones of thought.This is unfamiliar territory,i have seldom tried to curb instincts and free thought and feeling the way i do now.I find most people being at their comfortable most when they are in this zone.Works the other way for me.
To pursue a single thought to its rational conclusion,examining the origin and chipping off edges.Ability to focus and pinpoint and say in very few words,thoughts which were earlier long,twisted and complicated.
I do not like what it has become,but in that constant dislike i find some solace.
Letters in order form words,words form sentences,and sentences form paragraphs.They should be in boxes and flow from one to another.
Well not exactly,but atleast its a start.

so i thought i would post all that had been in drafts for a while

2010-03-04T03:27:00.000-08:00

early in delhi--

"
as i sit in this world of the civilised
where even the air i breathe is controlled
i smell nothing but a dry tinge of coffee and room freshner
i hear the sub metallic,soft almost tabs of tabs in the background a the constant breath of a million sets of 0s and 1s
and i hear theories of how 0s almost got to 1's and what happened to all of it between
and i hear chaos,of disorder in order...
i see black discolourations..forming in order in the same straight line,and by some strange miracle these discoulourations make sense to everybody in the world..
with sufficient reason,logic and structured thought,what i derive is the pertinent need for irrationality."

15- love

2010-02-01T21:09:00.000-08:00

So the Mba entrance season has been long over ,so much so that the results have come puring in,torrential actually..With Fms results out too that takes me to 4 down and only Cat to go.No real hopes there though.Actually there were but i belive in precedents more than myself,i think or do i?
So this is the time i sit down and contemplate what to do next.But i have to get over this one first.So what the hell does it take to clear a b-school entrance anyway?
So now i could argue in my favour that all of them have been near misses exept Xat,that was a riot,or that the preparation was not sufficient that i needed to do more,or worse i dont think i was ever sure if those were what i wanted.Exept these arguments seem to have absolutely no locus standi in the scheme of things here,i went for it and dint clear the exams.FULL STOP.
So how does one deal with failure?
Funny i should find it so hard.I remember when i was in school,we used to play lot of football matches,and our team was good enough to make it to the quarters and the semis but we never really went all the way.Me in the matches every one of them was full of energy and spite(for the opposition),the want to win would manifest into an intense dislike for the opposition,i would force myself to dislike the guys i was playing against. Every gentle smile by any of the opp team memebers before the match was greeted by a solemn nod of the head,any attmept at conversation was stifled by being rude.That translated into getting to the ball first,elbowing at corners to get the header in,pushing and jostling and in hard right in to the bigger,bulkier and faster defenders..
But at the end of the match..if we won(rarely) i was gracious,went up and apologised to all guys i had kicked,jostled,pulled down tugged at,this time theyd be rude,put on attitude,occasionally shove,but all this would be taken in good spirit.and good naturedly and when we lost and this is most important and something i do not understand,we did the exact same thing..I went up to them,offered my hand,some of them would have the this smirk of superiority on their faces, but that never ever stopped me from going up and making every body on the team do the same.I was proud of myself on being a a good sportsman.Defeat ,victory i was above it.
But this..its not like that,no matter how much i try to make myself understand,its like this verdict thats been passed,the worst part is its a verdict on your capability.So i can tell myself this examination its a system,its not about how smart you are its how smartly you can read the system,so the people who do it better get in,some others dont.
Point remains,like it or not,i as an individual am not significant enough to have a system built around me so somewhere down the like i am going to have to find a system that i will have to break into,and if others are better at reading and breaking into this system,then its pretty much going to be the same thing all over again.
I was thinking about all this when this tennis matchn i had wintnessed recently came up..

Clay court,warm winter afternoon and a match is in progress.A doubles match,four men,age 50-60 years,playing relatively allright for thier age.
Attention focusses on one person,aound 60,pure white hair,left handed.Hes easily the worst of the four players on first glance.When i walk in thier team is already 4 games down,the partner is egging our man to do something but he has the manner of an ascetic.He moves slow almost strolls,reflexes are failing,misses most shots coming his way or smashes them into the net,serves,first serve is almost always faulty,second is a slow one which get smacked back down the far corner.The opponents humourously chide him calling him babaji..which is a reverential address to an elder..and has a sedentary connotation.
There are two streams of continous chatter..one is the the constant egging of babaji's partner, with babaji showing no inspirational spurts of even a jump and the constant chiding by the opponents..like 'serve slow,babaji playing',,'maybe we should play singles'..
But babaji,his demeanour suggests that of a man who just had his morning share of enlightenment,smiling after his mistakes,apologising everytime to his partner,never being offended by the opponents chatter,almost not hearing them,much to the fury of his partner who is the 'go getter' and 'cmon' player.
Babaji if included in the indian cricket team would the be the last men in and would get sachin run out on 99 if India needed 1 run to win and smile at sachin and the camera and say sorry..
By this time i started fuming..how could babaji be so devoid of the will to win,how could he not feel the need to show those loud mouthed idiots on the opposite team that he could play better then all of them put together?
So i kept watching..and babaji surprising managed to hit a shot or two inside the court,then he managed to return an awesome serve..started fumbling a little less..still making lot of mistakes..and they somehow managed to scramble and stage some notion of recovery winning one game.Babaji is immensely pleased he goes taps his partner of the shoulder and goes good game,good shot...
Next Game Babaji serves..he looks in my direction couple of times,i look away as if i am not noticing,lucky enough he manages to land the ball inside again,the opponents make some stupid mistakes..and they manage to get a couple of more points..by this time babaji is delighted,he couldnt have been happier,he smiling at himself,hes smiling at his partner,opponents everyone..i think that pisses them off all the more..anyway they served nextand got it all wrong..
Before i knew it the whole match had changed..babaji though playing second fiddle to the partner was making less mistakes,the opponents were huffing..next time babaji comes in he powers in an ace!!Well its more like the overweight opponents couldnt reach the serve..
Gradually..babajis team wins it 6-5..babajis ecstatic,none of that dont show pride on your victory,be happy inside ,dont let your opponenets see it,its not right..none of it applies here..He laughs,goes yess,hugs his partner,grabs his by now disgruntled opponents hands and shakes it so much theyd come off..its funny..the happy ascetic..he almost stumbles on his way out of court..comes running..
'did you see that'
i look at him and say'yeah,it was ohk,you can tell mom about it'

On the way back babaji,my dad keeps describing how hes never played so many games before and keeps swishing and replaying all his shots..

X-Y chromosome theory..its bullshit..you never inherit all the good things from your parents..your lost,lazy,impatient,short tempered,curt genetically derived..all the good stuff you got to learn the hard way.

icky

2010-01-19T07:43:00.000-08:00

somebody tell me what it means..dictionary and i hope the context is right here means distastefully sentimental.so that is what it means..hmm..funny some words like 'funny' can only be imagined for something well funny..i mean starting with an f,a u,double nn before a y its kindof wobbly all over ,hence the comical connotation is inherent..but icky i mean it doesnt even sound like an emotional statement,i mean people would almost always would hear it and dismiss it as trivial..now 'trivial' its perfect for its usage the double i,end with al(so many do) it almost signifies unimportance or for that matter importance..i mean it is so present..long word rounded sound..like if you used it in a sentence important would most definitely stand out..
most times the thought in your head is not formed and formulated,you blurt it out using words which only want to convey the thought,turns out the words have an idea of their own..
i wish icky meant something else like icicle or tingly.

a wall

2010-01-09T09:25:00.000-08:00

i see this wall of broken stones..
cobbled and patched barely upright
the weathered grains each reflect
seasons of its life alone..

built for its strength
its shadow spoke of invincible might
each stone was a part of this whole
and this wall stood for a reason and saw light

ravaged with cannons,arrows and blows
it stood and took
all the wrath of the men without
a single face with a shroud

now it stood,its shadows in a shadow
of a wall of better stone and bigger than imaginable.

in its glorious sunlight and magnificence
the shade it caused was far and wide..
what was once shade is now darkness..
and it has shrunk into ignominy..in its own shadow.
alas the shadow the past creates..

..life without her..

2009-12-22T08:08:00.000-08:00

" there she was,covered in rags,how could they do that to her?dint they realise she had been a part of my existance for so long.the rags were torn,i could see her bound..her delicate curves burnt by the harsh rope..she had been ravaged"---describing the first sight of my bike off the train from trivandrum

..tails..

2009-12-03T06:55:00.001-08:00

why do they call them pigtails?
most obvious explanantion would be that they look like pig tails..
pony tails,bun...
then one starts to wonder how the names come into being,i mean stop it with he cave man already.i have noticed whenever you ask people about possible origin of words,they either go to charles darwin and the cave man or greek mythology.For gods sake,the queens been sitting on the throne for decades now.and she doesnt play bridge...why??..ohk wait..i just made a joke yaaay..here goes...

DISCLAIMER:YOU MUST KNOW THE BRIDGE GAME TO READ AND LAUGH AT THIS JOKE.IF YOU DO NOT FIND THIS FUNNY
a) YOU DO NOT KNOW THE BRIDGE GAME
b) YOU DO NOT HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOUR,YOU GENETIC DISPOSITION BEING SUCH THAT THE LAST OF YOUR ANCESTORS WHO LAUGHED, WAS YOUR GREAT GRANDFATHER(HE LAUGHED AT MY GREAT GRANDFATHERS BRIDGE JOKE)
c)YOU MISCONTRUE THE WORD QUEEN TO BE OTHER QUEENS FOR INSTANCE QUEEN MARY ANTONIETTE(no bread,eat cake),QUEEN BAND OR QUEEN BEE.QUEEN IN THIS CONTEXT IS THE BRITISH QUEEN.
d) YOU MUST HAVE A CLEAR IDEA OF THE BRITISH POLITICAL SYSTEM(BRITAIN YES,NO NOT IN ASIA,NO THEY LEFT INDIA IN 1947,NO ABRAHAM LINCOLN WAS AMERICAN,..WAIT YES..MANCHESTER UNITED..DAVID BECKHAM..YES BRITAIN.YEAH THAT ONE)

JOKE

QUES: Why does the Queen not play bridge?
Ans : Because she always ends up being the Dummy.

ROFL ROFL...that was me laughing,can you believe that ,the joke is so funny that i knew what the funny part was and still laughed at the joke reading it.i mean how many times has that happened to you?

Sachith gave me this idea of making jokes,damn so much effort involved,the whole explanation thingy.

ohk back to tails.So somebody decided to call them ponytails or pigtails.and the bun
All the women in my family are feminists..hmph...Anyway they keep talking about how everything was decided by men in the earlier days(ATTN MEN:thus the expression 'good ol days')..so i am assuming Man had the final say in whether a particular hair arrangement would be called say whatever...the bun

So this middle ages Irish household..its cold cold winter,everbody sitting at the dinner table,mother in the kitchen,with this obnoxious moppy hemispherical mould on her head.The husband increduously looks at it first and dismisses it as a figment of his imagination(secretly wishing he could wish his wife away that way too)..
Any way so she goes..(in irish)''twoney watya twink twaf tmy thairstyle'

husband
(hungry&eating): 'looks dumb'
WIfe:''what??'//hard of hearin
(listens carefully)
husband:looking at daughter,pointing to the bun grunts :'BUN'

WIfe:Thats what you call it huh 'bun'..

Husband: Well you wouldnt call a Bun an egg willya..i mean you could come to think of it(and starts to think about how much fun it would be if he went to the grocers and asked for a bun and meant an egg instead,the grocer would be confused first but then would start to believe that a bun was an egg,and then his customers would be confused...) this interesting chain of though is interrupted by his wife..

WIFE:so what do you think?
HUSABND: the bun,well its hot..
WIFE:(going red in the face)(she thinks that the husband heard bum,and is talking about the bum)(//the Irish are typically conservative for instance women there wear tops with neckline till the tip of the nose,the ones who wear it until the top of the chin are termed lewd and vulgur//so u can imagine what effect this statement had on the wife) :Shh wil ya ..the children are here
HUSBAND: so,(looking at his 8 year old son) dont you think its hot?
SOn: yeah but Mrs tambourine(she lives down the street 80 year old) ,its hotter still,i burnt my fingers on them..
HUSBAND:you mean she finally let you get your hands on them..
son: slyly,ya she wasnt looking..

WIFE:OMG!!
HUSBAND GETS HUSHED,SON GETS GROUNDED AND MRS TAMBOURINE GETS STARED AT...everyones wondering what went wrong...
husband realises he has a major adjective problem..he cannot use hot with buns,or with eggs for that matter.
Son realises the most imp lesson of his life,when somebody cooks for you,never ever compare and contrast,always use expressive superlative.
almost forgot bun gets its name..

ps--Mrs tambourine sent a tray of you know wat to make up for the mis'bun'derstanding.

sweet sixteen!!

2009-11-30T06:40:00.000-08:00

The women in Delhi,i tell you have changed.

Khan market,Greater Kailash, Defence colony and so on..These are places in Delhi where the not so petty bourgeoisie post adolescent 'boys' would head for an evening of 'jobless and therefore decided to 'vayanokify'('oogle at a woman by a man and vica versa'//i am not sure if oogling at same gender would be valid here //would be its literal translation i believe) adventures.
i happen to be an active member of the not so petty bourgeoisie boys group and we do head out to these occasional site visits.

my english teacher (Mrs Sawhney) used to tell us we should mention date,time and place whenever we write a report of sorts.
So ya timing my dear protege is very critical.
There are things you do not want..
You do not want to get there way ahead of time because then there would be some problems.
THese places are basically high end shopping /window shopping places,you would have to get into a few shops occasionally,just to stay with the crowd and if you are there too early i daresay you would have to do the same shop twice,which is a strict NO..They with their usual air of condescension could ask the deadly question 'can i help you',so unless you say something stupid like 'i thought my grandmother walked in here,(which would be extremely stupid if you said it in say a store like PUNK which specialises in tattered leathers and obscure deadly tattoos.)..it would land a serious blow to your previously budding confidence.

If you get there too early you are already there,women have this block for 'loitering around before i got there ' types..the key here is not to be noticed,i mean you have to keep your objective in mind always,your here to look not to be looked at(right, fat chance,stop dreaming!),so you go in at a time when the place is already pretty hustling,you walk in pretty purposefully,until you get to the point which offers best view(by best view i do not imply looking closely at one women alone,thats STALKING(you could get into serious trouble),besides variety is the keyword here,i mean why do you think these absolutely NO bRAINER teen flicks with a blonde ,a brunette and a red head(dumb,not necessarily in that order of priority),ranks higher than a no (notice the gap?thats how no brainer the no brainer is movie) starring say Pamela ANDERSON(the capitals are not to emphasise anything in particular)..VARIETY,is the answer.

So anyway i think il stick to my experience here,and the gyan part can come later.proteges you can log on to www.moreaboutvayanokifying.com

so i was saying how things have changed.See earlier,we had to sift through a lot of chaff to get right through to the grain. Supercilious,idiotic ,highly insensitive to the finer feelings as we were the only considerations were looks and airs/attitude. Then there were very few women who had the looks and the attitude to match it.
what is an attitude to match?
Hmm,dont have a definite answer for that one but there are some interesting pointers.Consider the example of a woman wearing a mini skirt,she could be Miss amzing legs of the century for all you know,but if she kept tugging at her miniskirt,indicating therefore that she would have preferred pants that guys who walk on stilts wear..thereby making us wonder whether she had been forced into the skirt when she was a kid and it somehow got stuck onto her,as an eternal curse of sorts.That is definitely not an attitude to match.

so earlier it was 4/10 or something but now...8 out of 10 and i am telling you i cannot believe this myself 8 on 10 have the looks and the attitude to carry it of..Damn..it really irritates you,because earlier whispers of 3 o closk,50 metres fast approaching;1 o clock,pink top;6 o clock,white zen...(this incidently is the language adopted,no unnecessary words used therefore no time wasted)..well now its utter confusion..1o clock 50m..3 o clock,no wait 6 is better..what the hell..guys focus..!!

The 40 plus phenomenon..this gentlemen is what is called a revolution.
'Some oldies have become goldies'
this incident where a friend went OMG! 90m 12 o clock,collision course..this ivy league spotting..now we were all eyes and suddenly as she walks past,an amazingly amazing spotting(20 something) taps her on her shoulder and say 'mom should i get this?'

i think we took a break that day,that was too much for us..MOM?...basic mother daughter calculation made evident that she was atleast 45 odd..we dint know what to think..we did some soul searching that day..tweaked our moral compasses..and were back with a bang..despite being asked some questions like 'dude you think thats right,i mean shes got 2 kids?'..
our rationale and our conversations...

protagonists..V,A,H,T..

A:erm..i dont feel too good about today,its awkward..she had a daughter
T:well the others they will have daughters eventually you know..
v:So what you think we should stop this totally?

everybody..thinks for a minute...hmm//i think everybodys thinking no way,no one wants to say it though..we just like this too much

H:Auntie watching is ok i think,i mean they do it in the Hyderabad Blues movie..
V: You crazy,imagine if our moms,sisters..
everybody--argh..shut up idiot,not as if this is not difficult already..

A: i think i can solve this..
(everybody looks up expectantly)
A:why do you do this..i mean why do you look at them?

V:They are so beautiful..i mean i think i am in heaven..so many angels..
T: i havent seen women like these in 17 years of my life..its like i look at the queens jewels..the dressing,thier attitude,the way they tie their hair,the way they smile..its all so new to me..
H:So that i can daydream in class..
A: H,this is important,do you remember their faces,when you think about them in class?
H:rarely,mostly dissolving images..

A:hmm
everybody:so...
A: do any of you get visuals,i mean,like visual visuals..
V,T,H: everybody nods..sometimes..
A: me too...that is the problem...

A: this is it..ohk listen
We looking at these women is allright..but these are somethings we have to keep in mind..

We can look as much as we want to,but when they see us looking,if they see us looking and seem uncomfortable ,we must look away..
V,T,H:why
A:because its no fun looking at somebody who is uncomfortable,besides its insulting to us..
Most of the times we look,we look because they are beautiful or attractive in some manner,we do not desire them,we do not envy them,we do not wish to own them,we look at them as we would at a 'Monet'..because the creation is immensely superlative..

V,T,H: we do get visuals..
A: yes we do...so this is very difficult to do but this is the only thing that can keep us guilt free...when you start to get visuals,tear your eyes away,and force yourself not to look again,no matter how hard it is..
H: why,these women,we dont know them..they wouldnt know what we think..
A: yes,we dont know them,and assuming they woldnt find out..but thats not the reason...see when we do get visuals and we succumb to them what we are doing is giving in to this animal depravity of ours..and when we do that,our own esteem of ourselves takes a beating..
V: ouch,you make us sound like scum..
A: no wer not,we humans with our failings,atleast we recognise them..besides you think all men dont think the way we do?
T: old men dont..
A: all of them do,they just get better at doing it as they get older,they have to,i mean how funny would it be if your 85 year old grandfather got a 100 Rs petty for eve teasing?
H: what about women..how do they think?
A: CLUELESS..but i have a hunch,they spend most of their time preparing their defences..what a waste..its like coelho said..most of them mount thier defences so high,that they cant climb out if they wanted to!!
T: too philosophical..
V:What about the ones whom you actually feel for..
A: TUT,TUT never make that mistake...these are women you look at everyday,you can look at them and judge them all in one look,because thats all there is to it...every once in a blue moon,there walks in this woman whom you cant judge,no matter how hard you tried,and the ironic part is,she turns to look at you ,finds you looking at her with an air of uncertainty, dismisses you as an oogler and walks away..

H: what about 'the one' who keep looking,for a while weighing whether you are an oogler or a person with an air of uncertainty?

A:(takes long breath,2 steps back and begins) That...

T: 3 o clock ,red saree..25 metres fast appraoching..

(all heads turn in unision)..

..a knife,2 tomatoes and a whole lot of patience.

2009-11-29T09:38:00.000-08:00

.i have been practically brought up on the train,no wonder they have a separate budget for the indian railways,if the macroscopic perspective were a scaled up version of my life,an economist could claim with certainess that the indian railways has a socio-psychological impact on the indian population and that why vacations with your family on the third sleeper coaches of the indian railways is almost an essential ingredient of a life well chanelled..
channeled sounds too constricted but hey im in the business of being focussed on life now so..
my train journeys with family...

i dont exactly remember packing,maybe its beacause i was never too concerned.all i remember was i always wanted a suitcase of my own which i could carry,but i was never allowed that,coming to think of it it would have been easier for my folks to just give me a suitcase and do away with the tantrums and hassles vis -a- vis my throwing out my moms preciously ironed kanchipuram/varam dont know wat they call it sarees to find my jet ranger pistol..
but they dint and i appreciate it,beacause that was what the vacation was about ,sharing everything..
things i learnt...
i learnt most importantly if i can frame it correctly 'advanced art of poo control ' as in of course you know as in..i am not going to delve into the miniscule deatils..
3 day journey from delhi to kerala covering close to 3000 kms on the sultriest summer days of the season and water scarcity doesnt exactly offer you the opportuinity to juacuzzi bath or even water poo on the journery..so common courtesy(which in england would be to get up to offer your seat to a lady) in indian railway would be to refrain from poo....
i learnt that the rule which said 'dont take sweets from strangers' did not hold true on the train..
by the time our journey was complete i would have eaten stuff offered by half the people int he coach..people can be amazingly generous when travelling..
i learnt what each stations were famous for..kozhikode halwa..warangal--dont remember..agra petha..nagpur orange..some place grapes..
i learnt that endless cups of tea are the only way of measuring time..
i learnt that travelling on the footboard can be dangerous and therefore extremely satifying at times..

mom used to bring a knife to all our train journeys, funny i never noticed that but i noticed the regular stream of cut fruits and vegetables that kept floating into my visual periphery..
10 years back the key to surviving a train journey was to eat enough fruits,drink enough water and abstain from station food (exept for the recognized ones) as much as possible...therefore the variar family strategy was to have enough stock of idlis,bread and lemon/puliodarai* to last atleast one day and train food the next day implying therefore that there would be no need to violate the sacred poo rule..

when i was not busy trying to clamper up onto the higher echelons of the sleeper class..i was busy contemplating what to eat next..
the continuous chugging of the train wheels would rarely if ever give way to silence and one felt comforted almost as if the wheels of time were making themselves known unlike the sly time of moments we know which seem to sweep in and out of our hands without letting us know about its causes or consequences..
"time is a great teacher..problem is,it does kill all its pupils(eventually)..

i dont even know why i am writing this..well id do know but i would want to believe that is not the only reason..:-)

hmm..its been a while..

2009-11-26T05:12:00.000-08:00

the past two months have been trying ,not because i am trying to get somewhere,but because of this perpetual stillness of time.Events,people occurences which were so freshly brewed to me are now 'meusemized',like this old slippery skin on a snake that refuses to shed.
There have been breaths of fresh air,but even while i was breathing in the few gulpfuls...---incomplete during unsuccessful cat preparations-2009

.the way your fingers curve

2009-11-07T09:46:00.000-08:00

i thought i saw the wine
splashing its helm
the brim tried to rebel
and distort its edges
to bring it to the blood red tide..

so fascinating was the sight
that the words describing the stillness of time were left incomplete
and stunned by the sudden void
the thought perplexed and turned

--incomplete..

..when the lights blind you...

2009-11-05T10:21:00.000-08:00

the scene is familiar,all you can see is the blinding spot of dazzling lights,and a distant rumble,and you try to figure whether its applause or jeer..the crowd is fickle,they are a mass, a confluence of thoughts,rarely original,given direction by impressions of the very few whose minds are but images,static and unrelenting and yet they stand to be convinced for they form the very droplets of elixir,of immortality ,drunk on which any mortal ascends the mythological 2 inches off the ground,when men call upon thee as the elevated..
Its a sham,a false impetus ,a little something that we do not recognize..

You exist for real,your thoughts,feelings,smile,imperfections..
the only time you are 2 inches off the ground is when you jump
The light that shines on you is the same light that shines on everybody else..our dearly beloved the sun..not to emphasize your presence but to say you belong...
what you say is not a key to my code of morals,they are a key to your mind..
your mind the infinitive depths of which not one in the crowd can pry...

But here you are head,shoulders and knees above everbody else..
and they the crowd is here and craves to be delighted
walk in with your chin up,head held high ,steps confident and look everybody in the eye...
and entertain ,for that is our boon and our burden..
watch yourself and be amazed, the grace,the charm and your words.
want to win is not a vice..for the pleasure of success
and the pain of loss are feelings one shouldnt do without..
So dream of the thundering wave of applause,the grandiose of the paneled podium,the lights to your presence and the bated breaths of silence to be broken by your words...
but remember always...you exist for real...

"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages. "
William Shakespeare

i decided to rename this one --'gyaan'

2009-10-15T19:39:00.000-07:00

The one good thing about wearing a uniform to college is that it gives you a comfort feeling of everybody being in the same situation together.Seldom does one feel the need to observe and introspect the apparent differences in people's appearance,manner and actions when everbody is woven together by this single fabric of commonalitry.
There are three known and distinct categories of people ,the geniuses,the sloggers and the determined ones. The geniuses,not in the conventional sense of the word are people who excel at what they are doing not neccessarily beacuse they have the innate ability but that they are genuinely in love with what they are doing at the moment which then naturally propells them to alpine heights of success.
The sloggers are the ones who have spurts of intense and focussed periods of study and preparation leading upto to their short term achievable goals.They know that there is that one citical exam they have to crack or one critical interview they have to clear,which is crucial and they will do it.His strength is adaptabilty,passion and focus.
The determined ones are the 'tortoise' in the hare vs tortoise race.They have sturdy,balanced and methodological manners and work their towards their life goals.

None of these approaches are superior in a comprehensive way beacuse there are people who have adopted either of these methods to get where they wanted.Although conventional argument would put geniuses in first place,tortoises in the second and sloggers in the third.But with the world changing so fast, the geniuses could find their area of expertise irrelevent to the present scheme of things and since adaptibiltilty is not his strength could find himself at a disadvantage.
The turtle,well the world had gone from being flat to being a treadmill whose speed is increasing progressively so unless the turtles sheds that shell and gets on with things it could find itself,well in a tangle.

The thing about an all involved and enveloping college life is that we tend to lose sight of what kind of category we actually belong to and therefore the first thing one does right out of college is shed the uniform and adorn the true colours of our character and learn to recognise oneself in the mirror.

The next point of contention would be whether there is really a need to sit back and dwell upon the 'what next ' question.
My genius friends would argue it is a waste of time and it is for a person who has it all figured out and his enemy is time and the changing world.The danger ,well when you are not so sure about things and you get it wrong,you can live with it,but when you get it wrong despite being very sure about yourself,it hurts.

My tortoise friends,well they would suggest they can walk(run) and think at the same time.Ever wonder what would have happened if the tortoise had gone off to sleep in the story too?so No again
Sloggers ,well Yes they can take some time off,a quick reassessment of the situation,priorities,weighing of options,the only danger being and gain from the story ,the hare sleeping so deeply and for such a long time that by the time it wakes up the race is over.
So what are you?
----gyaan,i used to be such a gyaan giver ! pff!

this is me...

2009-10-06T11:45:00.000-07:00

of all the people who walked by today,
of all that did yesterday and tomorrow
there is only this me thats like me
but the stone can say that so can the trees and the miss imperceptible

but i look in the mirror and dont see
who i am..
why i am or what i am or why i want to be..

but i just thought again and realized
if the whole point of life was to discover myself
i would have been someone else and ,married to me

so now i embark upon a journey of sorts
to the see the world and its kin
in its element and its sins
love ,life,happiness,tears,toil and all the rest
this is me..all over again...

Dear God

2009-10-05T11:49:00.000-07:00

Dear god.

I seem to have lost my ability to translate my thoughts into logical expressions and word sequences.I have always had the problem of not finding answers to the questions i have been looking for,but lately it has worsened.i request you to kindly look into the matter as it is absolutely vital.

Thank you

Yours Faithfully

Akhilesh Variar

ps--Thank you for keeping me alive and well for 21 years.i am happy.

and er....i mean there is this something i have been meaning to tell you..never mind...see what i mean.

..in two worlds

2009-08-07T22:40:00.000-07:00

.the world screamed past but it was placidly silent inside,the milky spotlessness of the SMRT(singapore metro rail transport),later in the night i happened to be travelling alone as the tain throttled forward,its magnificient power hidden beneath its plush interiors.I get these premonition kinds when im travelling on anything trainlike,i tend to drift,its a nice feeling exept today there was something disturbing like an aberration.i looked around,its seemed odinary enough,people mostly chinese or singaporeans(i dnt think il be able to tell the differece),a few tamils(2nd language here is tamil),either playing video games or sleeping.sitting stony faced and silent.that was not it,i was used to thier stony faces,they seldom laugh or smile or do anything silly.
i had this sudden instinct to jump up and do 'a pandi dance',just to see the shock of surprise on all thier faces,then my imagination started to stretch,saw them trying to emulate my dance never really catchn up,i was moving too fast for them like a blur and i melted into the outside,'ting' next station 'city hall interchange..."

i was trying to figure what was wrong,suddenly the doors opened wide and i saw them,i never knew i was capable of feeling so strongly about something i had never felt before,the same smiles,same laughter,same carefree attitude,all of them looking straight at me..then suddenly gone..
i now know what they mean when they say ' to feel empty in the stomach like a void,like a gap that could never ever be filled'

then how is it oh lord god with all the answers
when the casket is stretched and the mound awaits
is that a moment of the present
or the blur of the past

with the stone on my head,and flowers at the feet
ah tragic the frangnance is lost to me under the mound
will i still be just six feet under or ages apart
the vinyl smell of wood awaits,oh but i am senseless.

so what exactly do i do in there
count sheep,will i still know my numbers?
do i still get my phonecall,i could enquire with my fellow dead
or i could just settle and think about the life i just led

so then my present is dead,future non existant only my past left
does that mean i live my life all over again..

tears...

2009-07-23T03:31:00.000-07:00

well those people expecting a sentimental post be warned this is a complete descript of a crazy family which has gone crazier since the time i have technically stayed away from the family...the occasion -Well my sis got married..but as everyone in the family would see it..that is least imp..hey she had to get married,she got married but to harbour the assumption that the main purpose of the family getting together was malini's(in this case my insignificant sis) marriage is absurd according to family tradition...the family was getting together so malini got married would be better

act 'n' scene 'i'

smoke filled ac hall,blinding camera light,rebellious 'mundu',edgy mom,dreamer dad...sea of people..smile...the 'thali' is held out to show to the crowd(reminded me of lion king where 'simba' is held out to his people)..then he takes it to her neck,gets tangled in the bush of wavy hair and flowers,managess to untangle...the knot....
"akhilesh,the van's not here yet'
akhilesh:what van....

rewind....

2 weeks before..

phone rings "ma calling"

akhilesh:sup(groggy early morning 10 o clock)
ma: did u give out the rest of the cards..?
a:yeah
ma:what cards
a:erm,you tell me
ma:wedding cards
a:course,no i er .em had an exam
ma:thath was a week back
a:well ya its been raining all the while,you wouldnt want people to get wet cards would you?
ma:as opposed to people not getting them at all,id prefer wet ones
a:yaya,jus in case i forget id really like to say that that was a cheap trick u pulled on me
ma:(innocent as ever):which one?
a:well when u gave me the option of either giving out the cards in trivandrum by post or taking them around to people by hand,suggesting very subtly that i cud go meet all my old relatives and go exactly at lunch/dinner time and trala get something sumptous to eat...
ma:you decided to take it by hand...
a:but everytime i went people who had never seen me until now would make me sit and tell every detail about our family,the world,hugo chavez,ballet dancing on and on..and themn when i gave the card ..and then they would ask me 'tea',which i would politely declining,waiting eagerly for the next ques..but the next ques again was 'tea'...and again and again until i did agree to a cup of tea..and so i went on the first round of card giving...feeling like the host to the the boston tea party..
ma:which part of ur monologue was the answer to my question as to 'did u'
a:(brushing,shaving and putting his jeans on)-oh ma almos forgot to tell,im driving now,would u call later...(smartboy,he knows moms worried sick of mixing mobile nd driving)

phn call-'regn callin'

regn:'da only 3 weeks left for me to go to doha da'
a:thats bad
regn:i think we shud go drink
a:we had ur farewell drink yesterday,and also the day before...and the day before..
regn:last da only 3 weeks..
a:shakes his head,ohk wat time...
regn:place opens at 11
a:il be there at 10:59,everybody turnin up?
regn:sabari's already thr..

cheers...

contd..

battered,bruisied nd bloodied in battle!

2009-06-18T09:19:00.000-07:00

there was nothing significantly impressive to be done now,i understood that moment when i saw the 'fight club' years later....
the two guys slowly walk up,xxx curious and A trying to look intimidating,but the pasted hair,pouty girly lips and misligned ears,made him look like a rather harried old constipated lady...
suddenly varun takes initiative and steps in towards A,this series of events complicates my action furthur because now technically if i dont step forwrd,im not in for the fight,which bears clear semblance to backstabbing,if i do step forward i automatically engage Mr xxx whom i was conniving to keep out of the equations for as long as possible ...
some words...another critical aspect,if the mouthing goes on for long enough the 'warriors tend to lose steam and patch up...
shit silence..i step up slowly and with full understanding..
everything else is a blur...varun launches into A straight away,fisthammer right into the face,xxx tries to step in and take him on,i manage to get in the way nd push xxx away from varun...
so now the scene changes,its xxx vs me,and from the corner of my eye i can see varun taking the A to the cleaners...
whack,right across the face the first one,it doesnt pain at first,then slowly starts stinging,oh but dont have time for tht,a jab kinds on the shoulder,knee in the stomach,(wtf,whered he learn all that)...and im down..from where im down i can see varun,hitting poor A(yes your right my sympthies are with A now,its both of us gettin hit right?)..anyway,hey varun dont mind me,im having fun here,you can go on..bloody hell if i had picked A in the first place!!!
ohk,i get a kick in my shin,what the hell for,im down u stupid fat moron?!
then i get up.....
and i look at xxx..ohk bad idea(and this is when i started believing in the cruel witch) ,hes decided to another swipe,i duck(yipee)..smack..a repeat of the one across the face..theres something that pain does to you,it causes a rush,adraenalin,and brings out an instinct,and rage..pure animal rage,all moves forgotten i lung for xxx,and with my fngernails , i resort to digging them as deep nto his skin wherever i can find it nd tear...and i hear and exclamation of pain..(aah its like music to my ear)-as depraved as i am or i would be,id record that exclamation and play it again and again nd again,just for the satisfaction..
varun meanwhile has finished with and moved onto the scooter,ya the scooter,that inconsiderate fool wouldnt have even looked in my direction(later he explains to me that 2 against one wouldnt hve been honourble!!right i mean 2 lilliputs agaist 1 gulliver wouldnt make it 2 against 1 would it)..so anyway,he kicks the scooter and starts to push it onto the main road when xxx looks in his direction and starts to move away from me(so the fairy godmother still exists)...
then xxx does the most amazing thing,looks at varun and says 'you i dont have a problem with' take the scooter seats A..(who by now looks like a harrid old lady,with a rather flustered nd diahorrea afflicted look)..then xxx comes to me and says 'you,im goin to kill'..and goes off...

varun comes runnng to me and says 'dude your hero,hes so huge,but you really hit him huh?'
me:huh,i,i mean,he..slap,kick
varun:ya,yaa,i saw him tell u tht hel kill u,dont worry losers always say that!
me:huh,but
varun:shit i got so involved with A tht i dint even look in your direction!
me:what huh really,well.. i mean.. i er.. did manage to land a couple of blows
vrun:reallyy,how?
me:ya i got him in the face first up,then in the shoulder,then in the stomach
and then n the face again
varun:but i saw u down,there,he hit u too huh
me:y well he did managa a couple..but overall i think i got the better off him...

cinderella marries the charming prince and lives happily ever after.

disclaimer:the author is himself a paradox and the actions descibed in the post are highly exaggerted and one sided,the disclaimer guarentees that the author would have done exceedingly well in any street fight considering his supreme physical prowess and battle capability.

ears going pink and flushing cheeks...2003

2009-06-11T13:56:00.000-07:00

my first real fight...i sped in on my bike,crashed it into the the first guy,thwacked the second guy on the stomach taking me down with him,before the third guy has time to react,im up and my fist crashes into something soft and squiggly in between his eyes......the swiggly part was where his nose'bone was supposed to be'.....

blood tastes 'ironic' in your mouth,by ironic i dont mean 'ironic' ironic..i mean if you licked a bar of wet iron(preferably rusted),thats exactly like how it tastes,atleast mine does...i dont really forget such tastes..

Thats how it was supposed to be my first fight,i had seen it..in black nd white,multicolour,dreaming,fantasizing awake,practising moves,honing them until i was so fast,i couldnt stop hitting myslef when at practice,look into the mirror,look into your opponents eyes,dont blink...yours eyes burn dont blink,they water dont blink..whatever happens dont blink....

so then a time comes when the kiddy fantasies are starting to die out,its varun and me as usual one day..now varuns not the kindof guy who gets irritated or perturbed very easily,but that day hes silent,brooding...so i ask him,and he(here is where i introduce the villain A) has had a problem (and when i say problem i mean that the villain has been in someway unfair to varun,i will refrain from citing the exact set of circumstances which i doubt will be more interesting or entertaining to you as is going to be the unfolding of the events as you will see)with this guy whom we both know,real badass character,but not exactly out of the world,but anyway.
So i am being all indignant and roughtalking this thing about knocking some sense into him(oh cmon who doesnt do that,its not as if id really like to do that you know,i mean love thys neighbour for chrissake) and we are walking down the lane,when lo(this is when i started to believe in cindrella),who just drives past on a scooter but its villain A,when varun who until then had been quite overwhelmed by the badass nature of the badass character had been pepped up by my peptalk and wwas kindof raring to go(notice this is the thin line which defines the point of no return,men and women(i have noticed dome violent ones recently) of honour,this is the point until when you can step down,back off,or lie down with honour,beyond this is a point of no honourable return)..i was just dwelling upon these profound vagaries of honour when the line thin as it was was overtaken very rapidly by varun who by now resembled a bull in the proverbial china shop...
so then i rapidly cleansed by mind of all the honourable talk and cleared my throat rather audibly..'ahem varun..er you might want to consider....'
that was drowned in varun's roar "AAA....U loving sweetheart,son of an angel,may god give you thousand lives,and may your women bear you hundered sons of charming nature"(mommy tells me,when i start to abuse,i should bring to my mind divine thoughts and happy feelings..it worked)......
aaannnyyway so varun's charm worked,the guy turned his scooter,and this is when i noticed an extremely strange phenomenon..

1. Villian A seemed to be pretty confident,i mean we werent exactly pair of swazenneggar and van damn...but hell we were 2 rite..(just looked around to check if varun was still around..you can never be too sure..he was)

2.It seemed dark all around villain A,i mean like a blocking out of the light,like something really solid,opaque behind him

It doesnt take a genius and so much build up to figure out that there was a VILLIAN B..(why else would i name him villain A in the first place if there was no VILLAIN B)

Well there was no VILLAIN B...there was another villain but naming him villain B would be trivialising him and placing him in the same league as villain A...this guy.....

tada tada..welcome to all star basketball tournament...first in lakers..
standing 5 foot 3 inches,weighing 70 pounds..we bring to you...villlllain aaaaa

next up the king of the ring,the man ,the toll,the troll
standing 6 foot 2 inches
and weighing atleast goddamn 120 pounds
the hulk the bulk
VILLAIN XXX

vs minnesota minnows....varun&akhilesh.....

2009-06-10T12:50:00.000-07:00

oh sweet demon of melancholy,
wonder what may come
when i pull apart
the clouds on a fine sunny day..

torcherous and twisting the trails led nowhere
frost the robert must have dreamt about the miles to go
the white horse is the only one left
on the chess board of no blacks and whites but greys

FIRELY

i go on these train trips,all over the place,i was practically born on the train,i mean my thinking.3 day long train journeys from one end of the country to another..i loved to take the side berth bottom,and prop my head up just enough to watch the terrain fly past and contemplate..the day was pretty uninteresting with barely anything to look out for exept a few pitiful looking cows which looked as if they could do with some excitement in life--a 3 day train journey for instance..which made me think of a book where i had seen a comic strip of the cow over the moon or something of that sort..i giggled to myself..and drifted..the warm evening wind,it almost cradles you to a blissfull slumber..
i woke suddenly,the air smelt different..chilly..it was dark,the train was moving drudgingly past a rocky,run down landscape..its when you cannot see that thin line of separation between the sky and the land in the distant horizon,do you actually say that its pitch dark..the train was also silent and dark..which was odd,you seldom do find 72 people including prospective babies,kids,cranky aunties and snoring uncles silent,and the wheels creaking slowly to a drifting standstill..its not ominous,yet there is something so odd..you could stand on the moon before armstong got there and get the same feeling,unexplored..new..ethereal...

it melted in,its brilliance,dazzle and life,into this seemingly all encompassind darkness,how could a creature of such vitality not jarr the moment?

lividity of its flight tried
time and again to pierce
the unyielding armour of calm
vanquished,returned to burning bright
golden light,golden sound..golden all around..

then i watched from a distance,a silent train moving past,all compartments silent and calm..a single pair of burning eyes s through the darkness,from a propped head on the side berth staring angrily at me,my hands..pitch black i see nothing else
and open my palms....

an eruption of light
lighting up the sky..
twisting,weaving through the torturous past..
a fire that flies..a creature of the night...

9

how to put a writers block into perspective...

2009-06-01T03:44:00.000-07:00

i am lying...penny for my thoughts,no they dont deal with those anymore,i am lying to myself,the world and myself..(i like it better this way "world myself and the world"-that puts me in the centre of the world,for some vague unsaid reason(read attention seeking disorder)..ohk so all this is not making any sense to me,if it is to you,..you are lying too,bacause my entire intention was not to make any sense at all!!

so now we are even il tell you how,if its not making any sense to you,you would have left by now,if it seems to be making sense to you you are lying too,so either way by the time you read this wer even...)i dont even care if wer not even,hell whats wrong with me starting off a slight edge,its my blog isnt it...

where was i?ha im lying..but what have i said until now which i could have lied about,i wasnt making any sense.is it possible to lie and not make sense or not make sense and lie..actually it could be
if a really really wanted to make sense,and i wasnt actually making sense,wouldnt that be lying?

notice my 2nd paragraph???i hate it..hate it hate it hate it(put the paragraph on the ground and stamping on it..i hate the 1st line of this paragraph too,y?
i am not writing for myself..im writing for you,when i do that i get carried away,to use fancy words(not exactly that comes),concious breathers to make you laugh..but those i dont have the heart to wipe it all off...
why am i lying,its for a noble reason,to make myself believe that there is a possibilty,a bleak light at the end of the tunnel(and like me and jyotish joked after a debate once)..the light is not that of an oncoming train..(goddamn there i go again..i knew that joke,found it funny and laughed..then,,why am i putting that here?)

stop---enough----
------- i am lying--------

how can you put a 'writers block' into perspective?'

posts

2009-04-16T20:54:00.000-07:00

Even as a novice to the world of bloggers and blogging,i have come across posts which have made me think,laugh,wonder,fantasize,admire,appreciate....but this was one that hit me..with its brutal wave of honesty

http://nineteentillidie.blogspot.com/2008/09/surej-gave-me-miscall-today-at-2-pm.html

...er....

2009-04-05T20:47:00.000-07:00

i dont like it when my blogs can be put into perspective with my real life by the people who read them and see me in real life too,it all starts making sense to them!then i thought of blogging anonymously,but then that makes me feel highly insignificant.
melvin tells me i should be using CAPITALS,proper formatting etc to make my blog look good,im thinking about focussing on my punctuation a lot more,but its a supreme effort,i have my own doubts whether it will happen.
i write poetry sometimes and like to read,reread and get opinions and criticisms about them,but i never find enough time to sit down and go through the poems written by others nd try to figure out what they are trying to imply..i think im a hypocrit
i get stuck on some songs,mostly romantic or melancholic ones,i like to listen to them again and again until im sick...then i listen again...'shes got eyes of the bluest skies'.....
i love to argue just for the fun of the arguement and i love to run...with the wind in your eyes and hair flying back.
id love to read other peoples minds..or atleast outthink them..in a fun way
i dont like it when people write what i like or what i dont like posts.

kattan...

2009-03-31T05:02:00.000-07:00

i was talkn to alen today tellng him,when i see people reading my blog(proud smile all of my 5 followers),i have this natural tendency to write for them and not for myself,so this is a concious effort to write for myself..hope it works..
i dont like the golden colour of gold,its jarring..theres another colour that always catches my attention,the golden colour of black tea,kattan..the man opens shop at 7,bringng in the water from the neghbouring tap,puttng it to boil,milk boilng at the top,tea powder into the strainer...fills water into a glass,nd dabs the stranier nto the water...the gold starts to spread
in twirlng swirls of lazy light

interruptions(damn em)

..i pronounce you dead and buried...

2009-03-24T11:37:00.000-07:00

..i never saw it coming,the whole goddamn bunchload of them,colour in my eye,stop you idoits!!,they are as graceful as gorrillas drunk tipsy,my parents and sister sit back and enjoy the fun as i get sloshed,water,colour and a whole bunchload of people all over me in seconds..the feeling is similar to being chased by a swarm of bees(as if the bees get bonus for stinging your butt!)...can you believe it ,my otherwise orthodox family is gleefully laughing with that "serves you right approach".Thats when i use the oldest tactic in the book,"guys dont waste your colour and all,save some for the real fight"..so now we regroup and then we head out,with our supplies...the end of the lane...
cold water does to you what life takes a little while to do..its extemely chilly first up,then becomes colder as your clothes stick to you and a chilly breeze blows,next becomes a comforting wetness as it starts to dry and then goes onto become uncomfortably dry and warm...but none of us hardly notice that as we move out comparing balloon sizes and estimating our enemy assets and positions(it was rumoured there were these grease based colours which would actually never fade if we had them on our face once)..
the best part of the waterfight is every time you get wet you have the same feeling on an icicle riding down the centre of your spine,and you can hardly do anything about it...and if your lucky you will be subjected to some direct hits by water ballons too

it somes in splutters of rivulets
the brilliant words of colour
when the light of hope and reason blur
silence is but the only cure...

'phenk saale'

2009-03-22T23:32:00.000-07:00

..the balloons are smaller than i had left them yesterday,my spirits dampen a little..guy with the biggest balloons is the most feared..i open the grill door to the balcony slightly,carefully checkin for potential hostile activity..my allies hvent turned up yet,buggers are probably still in bed(go call varun,aunty piks up phn..aunty varun??beta hes asleep,slept late yesterday..)damned so it has to be me alone..the lone hero have to emerge unscathed at the end...possible hostile activity 1 o clock,opposite balcony...run to kitchen window,rush past daddy reading newspaper,kitchen window,damn the cat on the windowsill,blocking my view...ammas not around,let the cat in,shit milk on the table,grab nd put it in the kitchen...lot of clatter nd clang...distant call(akhhiiillllesshh...enda??)...me:onnum illa...
part curtains..evil brothers opp..(no false alarm,its the grandpa hanging out his clothes)...consider launching pre-emptive..na granpa looks grumpy..il wait...
how bout hitting my allies......2 ways of entry..direct steps from road behind my house nd bylane(right under the balcony) leading to steps ...set up ambush points at balcony..now what....argghhh nothings happening(a pressure cooker sound somewhere in the vicinity)
how can people go on living the way they do everyday on spl day like this??cnt believe it!!the sky could fall on thier heads and all they would be concerned about is whether it is 2 or 3 whistles with the cokker!!arghhh...its holiiiii holiii...
ohk now this requires drastic action...akhilesh..cmon you can...cup of cold water...naomi(cuzn)..no chance shes sleeping,wet the bed nd im grounded...dad??(not yet..hes reading the newspaper..when the time is rite..!!)..amma....no way,not a chance in the world..shes busy and plain DANGEROUS wen shes pissed....that leaves poor malini,unsuspecting,waitng for her tea nd the newspaper...hahaha...malini variar ur goin to be my first victim...ready..set...damn amma saw..she shouts 'mals watch out',mals ducks...run run run..malini shouts the whole house down..achan comes running ,my next cup of water ready..achan gullible...slosh..gotcha...dad down..run run all round..now wer having fun...get the colours,ohk variar family holi is on...then truce..anyone coming near me gets sloshed..u better let me play or im playin inside the house..the T.V wont like gttn wet will it??
parents are smart,they convince me to use dry colour nd colour them all,stupid naomi still sleepng..ohk now that thats done,il take a break....big mistake,let my guard down,doorbell rings..

'gubara'

2009-03-10T12:14:00.000-07:00

i wanted to title it something that would take me back instantly to those days...i have realized that i post more for myself than anyone else to look back and understand what my life has been about.i keep wondering if other people think and actually relive in thier minds what thier lives been like.the way i m i dont remember or think About somethnig that happened couple of hours back let alone a couple of years...so i start thinking tht this is defintely not goin to work,at this rate all il remember about myself at the end is probably 2 teeth and a couple of wobbly gums..no that wont do,so heres a memory,atleast what i cn remember....holi long years back..

it was a festival of colours,no doubt we were more concerned and happier playn with water,the day was a slightly chilly one,with early morning dew still not entirely off the grass despite the sun making its grand appearance some while back..my water balloons would be ready from last nights preparation,which had invariable involved a bunch on us crowdind around the only bathroom(toilet attached) in our house,much to the annoyance of my parents,who like everything else they had put up with,shrugged at the waterlogged bathrooms(nd vicinity),waste baloons in the drains(blockn it days later) and of course,all of us in wet slippers goin clipper clapper in and out of the house...and sighed almost as if knowing when i was born that 'hey folks,this is akhilesh your son and ths is everything that comes with him'....
so then that was it,the balloons were ready and i would have gone in and out of the bathroom numerous times to check on thier condition and number and having kept a close watch on everybody enterng and leaving the bathroom for possiblee sabotage...i would go about selecting my attire for the day.my mom who otherwise did not have much to do wth my outfits(everytime she bought me new clothes she would say akhilesh,see keep a different set of clothes for playing and different set for occasions,which i would automatically nod to her gentle chides,my eyes gleefully on the new clothes,but invariably in a hurry to make it to the ground on time,and wearing the first thing that came to hand,i would end up leaving my brand new clothes,which are by now muddy(as in rel dirty the way it happens if u sleep on bed of mud),probably torn at the knees etc)in the laundry ...which brings me to the morning in question...

klay klay klay...deciphered

2009-03-05T23:23:00.000-08:00

to those people who arent in baselios collge,my apologies,you wont get a inkling about what this post is all about,and im sorry i do not have the patience to explain it here,to those who are and myself of course..i am trying in my own restricted and narrow perspective what the KLAY...is all about..
let me explain its usage first,in colloqial mal slang it is supposed to mean a person either endowed with or aquires power or equivalent which makes him superior to other individuals in the subset...with usage constantly restricted to respectful meaning.
for us it began as a joke,targetting all the macho man attitude guys in collg with slick nd trendy attires,bulging biceps nd impeccable hairstyles with would u believe it (not even a hair out of place)...hey guys no offence..besides i have a prejudiced view..
then it was given a lyrical and rythmic approach to by our very own tony...then it became an anthem,for us...
i dont know where the other guys stopped thinking about what this meant to them but for me it was an reflection of what we are,towards the end of college life..what it has given us,what if anything do we want to give back...

every phenomenon cannot be explained throughly without putting in some history atleast,let me begin at the beginning...
wel start with when we came to college first,obviously being the first mech batch we were subjected to a lot of scrutiny,critically and otherwise,i like to believe we had a favourable image among a large section of the females..incidently seniors...
the reason for this is probably because,they probably expected an all boys mech to be a buch of arrogant pricks,and it could have been that way exept our class nd its people werent made that way,besides we dint have any seniors of ours,so we were pretty much humble to say the least..
so you could already see what was happening here,all the other branches just dissolved into an otherwise odinary college life but we continued to stick out,sometimes like a sore thumb(jump collg walls,mund on kerala piravi..nd more things id rather not list)..this was the automatic reason why we held together,it was essential literally for survival...
so then we came to the second year(bad year...couple of guys got kicked out of college hostel nd all...incidents...not me ofcourse..)
second year was all about hating the GODDAMN MECH DEPT>>>WITH ALL DUE RESPECT THE ^&%&^%$S wouldnt let us inside the goddam HMHE lab..we were stamped down,like nails into a coffin...attendance cuts,suspensions,no bloody free hours,lunch breaks,tea breaks record record,dwg,assgnmnt...arrogant pricks for profs....nd obviously undersessionals....nd surprisingly no rebellion...life was bad,juniors were a welcome relief,snathes of a pretty face here nd there...

THIRD YEAR:little bit of leash...juniors had come,turned out they were active backbunchers so the attention shifted a little to them...collective sigh of relief....still writing labs nd all..no bloody internals...this is when i started noticing an amazing phenomenon..every other branch(well almost) during series exams,would start writing the goddamn essay before gttn the q.p!!!!oh later realized 1 essay nd 2 short ques was a normal give away...meanwhile we slogged(some guys did..we dint nd slept through the series..got my first single digit in series..)
still hate dept guts but thats when focus starts to shift...crossroads 08...a dream...thats why people say dont build castles in the air!!!
i intend to treat the circumstances with a lot of care and reverence,so much so that i would need to write a full fledged acct of what happened then,everyone deserves to know ..fights..blood,sweat and yet no tears...i keep telling myselfand people its easy to destroy it all but very difficult to put things back together... but for our sake and thiers i hope our paths never cross again..as much as wed like to forgive and forget..

since we are done with the malice..lets move onto something that had actually made all that seem bearable...all those beautiful women...so then we had this habit of sitting on the library front just before 4:30...thats was a heavenly sight..it .when the classes got over.Though we never confided to each other nor anyone else,i think we dint think about it ,we always felt happier when we left college..it was probably this..

so then final yr...not yet very worried out where wer going to head from here,happy go lucky life,start to like our dept and professors...in and outf class...say no to any activity in college,cannot,will not..
one thing we cannot live with is being titled as the people who ruined the college life of so many others..so we decided to abstain..no involvement,no opinions,no issues...
we decided to build our lives entirely around ourselves,atleast towards the start of 8th sem..worry abt our proj,career(?)...nd have lotf fun just by ourselves..

then crossroads happened..that did it..i hand it to the juniors,u did a wonderful job...3 words "we are proud"--i dont know most of you and probably mite never get a chance,now i look back and think maybe..if things had been different we could have done this together...
crossroads was good but to put it bluntly "we did not enjoy:...it has nothing to do with you ,but everything to do with us,see that is how we are made.if we are not involved with all our heart in something that we believe in..and we are not contributing...no matter how good it is..we could only see the subtle mistakes you had made here and there,take note,smile at one another a sad and knowing smile,that wouldnt have happened if we had been there....those things that do not have anything to do with ability but with experience..but u did do justice to the theme...our theme...atlantis a land which resurfaced...

but that did something to everyone of us...why i can talk about everyone is that,the night of the inaugration..when you lit up the skies,everybodys eyes were not admiring,or dazzled or anything..the look was of longing..of something that was missing...there was something to give back....thats klay for me...

so why do you think wer doing all the stuff we are at basketball nd everywhr else..
a bit off showoff (ok lotf showoff),hey guys from an all boys class tryn to catch the girls attn has always been there,but thats not all
it bonds us closer than you could ever imagine..dont know if its because its towards the end but still..the inhibition is gone...let go...
but the most imp reason is because they like to see you happy,every guy who goes out wearing a mask,or dancing arnd in flashy wigs,evry guy out there i can vouch for them want to light up a few faces...deep down..i know it better than anyone else...
though nor i nor anyother guy would admit this openly,ask us y.. DEMO da

of all the things we could have,should have and would have given back...this is all that is left...a smile...

klay klay klay....

i would like to title this "humbled"

2009-01-24T13:09:00.000-08:00

and yet i will not..because i am not. i knew this world existed and that mine was the proverbial frog in the well,but today i have seen standards i have not seen for quite a while now,real or otherwise.

IIT SARANG has not quite done it to me,my situation has,so you are insignificant but that is not even the least of your problems.the real problem lies in the fact that you have realized your benchmarks now,the ones you are to beat and yet you know for the next few comfortable months of your life you will never be in such a squirmy sitiation again,where you will never really measure up...and a year down the line,next such event you will still be at square one .why?because there was no goddamn consistant challenge for you in life,up close and front,the ones you would first like to emulate and then like to beat...not neccesarily in that order.i was thinking along the lines f the statement"you might still be winning when you have actually not and are carefully observing the people who have won"..i think has something to do with the statement.

i accept these guys are good,but there is something else i have learnt,the innate desire again..these guys long to be good more than anything else in the world and work thier butt off for the same.no one is arguing here that they arent genetically gifted,but thier greatest gift is the drive that instills them to be head and shoulders above thier nearest competitor...

red label does bring out a few otherwise unwritten lines...damn the ale..

eve of the d-day...16th jan..

2009-01-12T21:35:00.000-08:00

brink of an emotion,
dont know which one,
yelps of laughhter or submissive gloom of grief undone
yet the laughter would be a tower of bricks on one
and the grief,a vision of the palace they prophesed to some...
they prophess they all do..
until all that you did is left undone..

an inconsolable lapse...

2009-01-12T21:09:00.000-08:00

i knew it was the question i had to get right,i am good at basoic logic io figure,turned out i was and i solved the wole d.i set..got the answer...and damn damn damn....its probably going to be the turning point of my life..for better or for the worse..sere i have to write down the 3 questions in details otherwise il keep repeating them in my head until i go bonkers..
q.1 was about animal caged in the zoos u know like 8 cages 4 on either side,each has separate animal and separate colour,then elephant in green cage,camel in yellow,monkey opp giraffe,and so on..point is u have to figure out which animals are where...i do al that perfectly..and in good time too..when u have only 2.5 hours to do 90 questions..time is of essence...the question was which animal was in the cage diagonally opp the elephant (say)...now consider the below points

1 2 3 4
5 6 7 8

lets say the elephant is in cage 5..which is the cage opp 5...to be then and it still seems like its 22222222222222222222222222222...........but damn damn damn...it was 4444444444444444444444444444.............

wouldnt the questioned be framed better as diagonal extremeties than diagonal opposites then!!!

2 more questions solved completely and ticked the wrong bloody answer..
that leaves me with 25 d.i,31 quant and 62 verbal...over cat 2008 percentile 98.66..without an iim call....but hey im sure i wont get the cage question wrong next time....

i keep telling myself i dont deserve half of the 98.66...i only and only is by no means an understatement i \ only wrote the aimcats...did absolutely nothing else to prepare....you dont need to be a genius to get the cat right you just need a rounded approach...and a nothing to lose attitude.....
for me i have never felt a more innate desire an urge.exams have always been...ya allrite..good marks.whatever.....the closest to that feelinf is those football matches(1 goal down,through ball,i defender,fake,dribble past,goalkeeper moving in cutting out the angle..have to score....) and athletics(1500m final lap,leader 10m in front going stong,you know it by watching him go,he has it in him to make that sprint,push him ,close the gap,he panicks,sprints..success..final sprint timed to perfection would have him)... we used to have an urge to succeed,to win....its takes you to an entirely different zone,its makes you forget that the last time you studided probability was 5 years back and that it will take a year to figure out the annual depreciation is seasonal west africa subject to temperature condition type d.i questions,nothing matters exept cracking the paper...

meanhile back to ground state..down but not out....maybe this was a one off...most things in my life are...or are they???

2009-01-05T22:23:00.000-08:00

mine is not an existencial crisis,
its beyond,a dilemna to answer the questions life poses
'i am the king' with his glitter tworld supposes
in earthy shades of grey the joker in my pack
a spade shall count,a heart shall bleed,
a clover fall and a diamond sheen...
..the joker..just wiped the game clean

blossoms...

2009-01-05T22:19:00.000-08:00

this one was for a dear friend on her bday...(thank god i remembered)

some blossoms left by the side,
life,the river flowing beside
fragnance the wind troubled and sought
coulours the rain envied,bow could not..
with the rain came a new sky
the wind changed and river keen to try
its luck with the blossoms to see them oblige
to ride the tumults,the river the guide..
the wind so warm with the embrace yet
woundnt let go but resigned to let
the river take its course and blossoms to rest..
amd watch while the river head,in it the bloosoms ever so blessed

merry xmas

2009-01-05T22:17:00.000-08:00

dewdrops on petals,white all around
weighing the little to have lost...its me that i have found
the last days of the year do beckon...with so much and yet so little
some moments to reckon...

whiskers gone white..

2009-01-05T22:14:00.001-08:00

As feline as you grace to be
with nine lives or so they say
in the inky blackness of sun downtown,
i see you see me and yet do not see
while your savage cousin cuts,tears and hunts abound,
you strech,yawn and lie waiting
for your whiskers to go white,
when the milk comes around....

flare..

2009-01-05T22:12:00.000-08:00

flare to the beginning ,fight to the end,
fragile the match and yet so bent,the flame will take its all,
but its all it has left to fend

final whistle...

2008-09-24T09:01:00.000-07:00

to the shrill sound of the whistle,i paused,waiting for that feeling to sink in..we had lost yet again..in 4 years this is not the first time we got relegated in the first round og the inter branch football,in fact weve lost out all four times..people say "you win some,you lose some" somehow for me here its been "you lose some,and you lose some more"..but this time it was different,there was this onging to turn back back time and replay it ..not as much to win it as much to play it all over again ..relive it..
three and a half years down the line.i thought i could gather every instance and nuance that life has offered to me here..i mean hey its ben all so slow here,but not quite,this has breezed past too..

..instances

2008-05-03T22:21:00.000-07:00

what instances could one assume would clearly define the life of a 3rd year enginnering student,having travelled a few thousand kms from home and willfully pursuing thoughts of a grand career and yet a seemingly aimless life just seconds in succession..
everyone seems to focus on the crossroads that their repective lives have been witness to and care to dwell profoundly on the various thoughts and apprehensions that they feel but its the simple or even mundane events that happen in life that go unnnoticed..which is sad because when we look back at our lives we tend to remember those highlight moments anyway while these small,subtle (and yet cummulatively ....our lives) go unnoticed...
it is these small instances that would have shaped my life and everybody elses around me and it is this fistfull of sand that i wish to gather from the mound..its a fist full of sand but it is so much more mine than it is anybody elses

2008-05-03T22:11:00.000-07:00

so here it is finally,a year after setting up a blog of my own,the first post comes into being,"big bang scenario"..nein(thats no in german)..its a beginning almost a humble one..